I’ve been really evaluating everything in my life and trying to get my shit together lately and part of that was making an appointment to get my ADHD taken care of. That appointment was today. At 11:30am. At the doctor’s office I’ve been going to since I can remember. I arrived 5 minutes late, filled out the necessary paperwork, sat and stared and noticed a sign saying “Starting Friday, March 29th we will no longer be accepting Care 1st. Call ###-###-#### for a new primary care physician.” I thought “I’ve made it just in time” and “fuck, I have to get a new doctor?” and “wow the healthcare system in America is so FUCKED.” They called me in and took my weight, my blood pressure, asked when my last period was, why I was there, etc. Then I sat and waited for Dr. Jensen. I read posters on the wall about the different amounts of triglycerides in blood and my chances of having breast cancer. I was a bit nervous about asking for meds. I went over all my ADHD symptoms in my head. When he came in he somehow looked much older and exactly the same. He said “What brings you in?” and I said “Well I don’t know if I have to see a psychiatrist for this but I think I have ADHD and I want to get that checked out before I go back to school.” Being the No Bullshit kinda guy he is, he pulled out his pad of prescription papers and said “Well there is no ‘checking it out.’ You try the medication and go from there. I’m starting you on 20mg of Ritalin twice a day. and this will be your last visit here. Did you know?” “About the Care 1st?” “Yes. It wasn’t my decision. You’ll have to sort all of this out with your new doctor.” I could tell he was pissed about his office not covering Care 1st anymore. Silently he wrote up the prescription. “What are you going back to school to study?” he asked. “Psychology.” He didn’t make any comments. As he handed me my entire life’s medical records, he said “Your insurance probably won’t cover that prescription because of your age. Good luck. With everything.” That hit me so hard. The doctor who treated every cold and every flu since I was three, who wrote my first prescription for birth control when I was 16, just sent my 20 year old self away with speed, a file that always seemed so forbidden, and good luck. I think everyone knows the moment they really grew up. That was mine.
A lot of shit from my eating disorder is coming back to me recently. At the height of it, I remember crying hysterically in a grocery store because my mom would only let me get the regular Fudgesicles (70 calories) and I wanted the no-sugar added ones (40 calories). I was thinking: “I am a completely fucking psycho and I don’t even care. I seriously need to be committed. but it’s 30 calories!!!!” Eventually my mom just gave in and bought the no-sugar added ones. How completely exhausted I was then.
For years I had an eating disorder and this how I always felt. Tired, so tired and vaguely sick. Disconnected from my body, my thoughts (somehow) simultaneously sporadic and obsessive. It’s so strange to experience this feeling again, and strange to imagine that this was my “normal” for so long. I am grateful to have the energy to think without restrictions.
I feel strangely guilty.